I do not want to judge you for what you have done in the past. I was not there when it happened. And soft gentle tears brim at the corners of my eyes, thinking of you.

All I am
Is lonely (just) like you
All I wanna do
Is have one dream come true
All I am is handing you my heart
And hoping to be part of you

--All I Am, Heatwave

Wow. Wow. Wow ;)

I am going crazy over this song!

Another weekend is here and I'm in dire need of a hug. Wishful thinking, stop playing tricks on me.

I finally cut my hair again, super short this time. The plan to grow it long went down the drain. It was becoming a nuisance, having the fringe poke my eyes every five minutes. I guess I feel more comfortable with this hairstyle. My friends say it's more 'me', whatever that means.

Phew :)

If sex is not an issue, then, what is?

I didn't sleep at all last night. I stayed up all night so I could enjoy Mars from my window. I finally called it quits at 5 am and woke up late for work this morning. My eyes are red and it hurts from lack of sleep and staring too long at the monitor. It's a good thing the 7.30 pm meeting has been called off just now. I'm going home.

My voice appeared on the air a few hours ago, describing how Mars looked like from where I was. It was simply beautiful. Just a small reddish light, high up in the sky, shining all by itself. It wasn't as big or glorious as I thought it would be, but it was beautiful. I can still see it through my bedroom window. Something simple can sometimes seem more beautiful, you know, especially when you know it's a rarity.

And based on all the things that happened today, I'm beginning to believe that maybe Mars does square my moon. I'm leaving my bedroom window opened tonight, so it can shine on me while I sleep.

Whimsical fate. And they say that Mars is the planet that squares my moon. Beating heart, please be still.

Dearest Dede,
Happy 4th birthday, Sweetie. May you grow up to be a beautiful woman, both inside and out. May God grant you all the happiness in the world and make all your wishes come true. Be happy with all that you have and don’t have. Enjoy every day to its fullest and always appreciate all the simple little things in life. Be grateful for the freshness each morning brings, the brightness of the sun during the day and the twinkle of the stars at night. May you live your life in simple happiness with me and Abang at your side. You want to be able to make delicious cakes one day, for Abang and me? That's really sweet, Honey. Bunda and Abang love you. Once again, happy birthday, Sweetie. Mars is gonna appear in the sky tonight, exactly on your birth date. We'll have a peek together, just you, me and Abang, okay?

--Birthday Prayer for Namira Izharaddina

You're entering PMS zone. Beware.

Pssstt... ;)

Yesterday, I had to juggle between two lengthy meetings, no connection to the 'net, piles of analysis to proofread, tapes to watch and a bloody annoying tummy ache. I wonder what this day will bring. I saw the streets wet from last night's rain. The sky was a bit cloudy and the drive to work was smooth and pleasant. I hope it's a good sign that today will be just oooookay :)

Happy birthday to us. Let's keep rocking the air!

Yes, it's Saturday, and I'm at the office. Before coming here, I had time for a little self-indulgement. Went to Kemang, just for the sake of visiting the area. There's something strange about Kemang that gives me this fuzzy feeling everytime I go there. I bought a cute choker at Chick Mart, my favourite shop, and got a glass of an Oreo Coffee Milk Pearl Tea from this place. Went to Kertanegara afterwards and bought myself some gado-gado. I need to increase my vegetable intake. It rained a bit today on my way to work. Finally. A beautiful weekend drizzle to accompany my drive to work.

My two angels were already asleep when all of a sudden my lil girl sat up straight in bed. The following dialogue took place with her eyes all closed and her voice all tired and sleepy.

Lil Girl: Bunda, I forgot to say thank you.
Me: Thank you for what, dear?
Lil Girl: For taking me and Abang to eat toast sandwich just now.
Lil Boy: Yeah, Bunda, thank you.
Me: You're welcome, guys. Now go back to sleep.
Lil Boy & Girl: G'night, Bunda.
Me: G'night, kids. See you in the morning.

And all the aching bones in my body suddenly stopped aching and a tear drop welled at the corner of my eye. I love you, guys.

     

I miss Goldbeaters JMI. I miss running around in the playground and drinking water from the playground tap. I miss going to gym in the Girls gymnasium. That's my school up there. The picture on the left shows you the playground I used to play in way back in the late 70s and early 80s. And on the right is the door to the girls gym, where I used to do rope-climbing with my friends during gym class. These pictures were taken sometime last year by my sister. It's amazing how some things never do change. The school looks exactly the same as I remembered it.

I don't feel like working today. I wish we were allowed to have one day in a month, where there is no work, just all play. Maybe one day. And on that day, pigs will be able to fly.

The sun told me
The rain fairy paid you a visit last night
Could it be, that the drops that kissed your soil
Were merely the tears that I shed
Lifted up to the clouds in your sky
By the dark evening wind?

Too many things are swimming in my head at the moment. It's making me lose my ability to blurt. Is today my day? I think it is. My oh my.

A texted poem at 4:59 AM. A long-distance one hour phone call at 6:33 AM. A confession at 3.05 PM. What day is it today? Is it really just a normal Tuesday today, or does Mars have other plans for me, as it comes nearer to Terra, our Mother Earth? ;)

Can you consider someone special because he/she once broke your heart? For someone who earlier today told me that I'm special, thank you. I never did realize that I once broke your heart.

I wonder.

Please.

My inbox smells of daffodils. Ummm.... ;)

It's almost 2 AM and my eyes are wide awake. Damn.

Lately, I've been feeling a little bit off-colours. So many things have been happening, all at the same time, yet I can't seem to find the right words to describe them. Am I lacking the ability to express my thoughts freely, or are the events themselves that have become unbloggable? On one hand, I really want to pour everything out, but on the other, I feel it's best to just keep them to myself. Oh well, what am I yapping about here. I'm not even making enough sense. Off colours. Yeah, I'm feeling off-colours.

A good friend from the good ol' London days spoke to me on the phone just now. Someone who I used to play with during the cold windy weekends, when our parents visit each other for tea. Someone who would, from time to time, play the piano for me, and I, in return, would play a short composition on my violin for him. Someone with whom I often swapped books with. Someone who would sit with me during the Eid celebration, held at the ambassador's house every year. Someone who I last met 8 years ago, when both of us were involved in a big international event, together handling the press room. This good friend of mine is now back in the country, after completing his Masters studies in Texas. I have a date to have coffee with him tomorrow evening to catch up on stuff. So, despite the shit that's happening down here, I still have something to smile about and look forward to. Welcome home, Yuma, this post's for you. And for the young lady who just changed her YM status with his name on it, you can eat your heart out, dear. Want me to kiss him for you, Det? ;)

As of today, Wednesday, 10.26 am, we, I think, are in deep fuckin' shit!

You made me fall. Thanks, Adin. And a good morning to you, too.

Sometimes, I feel I don't belong in this country.

I know what I want, and I'm working my way to get it. I just hope my heart is aligned with my head this time. Ooh!

Happy birthday, to a dear friend. So, how does it feel to reach that age? ;) Have a good one this year, you.

I'm dead bored. Going jogging now. Need to blow some steam.

I still haven't got over it even now
I want to spend huge amounds of time in my room
And I'm not coming out until I feel ready
Not running out for a while my heart's unsteady
And I'm not really in your head
I'm not really in your head
--Rollercoaster, Everything But The Girl

I'm becoming real sleepy and it's only 2.15 pm. Still have a lot to do, but I don't think I have what it takes to finish them all. I wish I could go to a small river, with water as clear as crystal, and sleep on its banks. I just want to sleep now. Just sleep.

Don't say you love me
Unless forever
Don't tell me you need me
If you're not gonna stay
Don't give me this feeling
I'll only believe it
Make it real or take it all away
--Don't Say You Love Me, The Corrs

This song always gets to me. It's been a few years since the first time I heard it, but it always gets to me.

It's been a while since I did some moon and star gazing. Last night, a reminder came thru via my cellphone in the form of an SMS. Time to look at the moon, it said. Yeah, it was beautiful last night. Thanks for reminding me.

Went out to see the lights, too. Needed something to kill this fucking migraine.

I want time to stand still. Or do I just need someone to tame the tiger in me?

EYE HALVE A SPELLING CHEQUER!

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

--Sauce Unknown

Technology. What would I ever do without it?

Can you crave for love so much, it makes you bleed?

Some more tests to take:

- The Candy Test to show your personality
- The Emotional Quotient Test to see your EQ level
- The Ego Test to see how people see you
- The IQ Test to check out your IQ level

And this if for when you're bored. Have fun!

It's the small things that count. It has always been like that, for me.

Take this test to see how smart you are. Be prepared for a surprise, the results might be shocking ;)

I miss the rain. I wish it would just rain.

I just sent my name to a comet. Send yours, too, and don't forget to print your certificate.

The little girl and her siblings went to a public school near home. The name of the school was Goldbeaters Junior, Middle and Infants School, or better known as Goldbeaters JMI. Goldbeaters is located on Thirleby Road in the Burnt Oak area and it takes about 15 minutes to get there by foot from where the little girl and her siblings live. The school is an old building and it has been there for so many years. Students go back as far the the 50s and 60s, so she was told. She remembers the school had a big playground, with several drinking taps on each side of the wall. Whenever it was break time, the little girl would get in line with the other children to take turns drinking fresh cold water from the tap in the playground. The school also has a large gym with all sorts of equipments and a hard solid wooden climbing unit, stretching as far as one side of the wall. She loved climbing up those ladders when the weather was too cold for her and her friends to play outside.

Every Monday morning, the school holds an Assembly in the big assembly hall. The headmaster, Mr Grist, would announce which House collected the most points during the previous week, before hymn time and announcing other things to the children. At Goldbeaters, each child was assigned to a certain House, according to the names of the British jet fighters, along with its designated colours; Jaguar (blue), Harrier (red), Phantom (green) and Tornado (yellow). Every time a student does well in a certain subject, he/she will be rewarded with a House Point which will be added to the rest of her/his House points. The little girl's House was Jaguar and she was a regular House Point contributor to her House. The Jaguars usually wins the competition and the little girl and her fellow Jaguars would cheer and jump when Mr Grist announce their victory in Assembly.

Another favourite place for the little girl was the school library. Sometimes, during break, she would sneak into the library and walk among the tall bookshelves, going up to the ceiling. She would pick a book and read all by herself until the bell rang. The library also has a TV set, for viewing children and scientific programmes. At one time, the little girl brought in her video player to school along with one of her favourite films, The Wizard Of Oz. She and her form friends were allowed to watch the film during one Friday afternoon after lunch.

Goldbeaters also has a large dining room for the children to eat in every day. Lunch is usually served at 12 sharp and the children would queue to pick the food they want to eat that day. Each child picks up a tray at the entrance and points out what they want from behind a glass partition. The cook would place the food on a plate and give it to the children at the end counter. The best part is to see what is served for pudding. Her favourite pudding would be treacle rice pudding with strawberry sauce, rhubarb pudding and marshmallows with ice cream. The food comes for free and you don’t have to pay a penny for all the food you take.

The little girl’s form teacher was Mr Williams and her class number was 3W, derived from Mr Williams' surname initial. Her best friends were Anna Helmshaw, Keli Nolan, Kelly Chamberlain and Sheilagh Waldron (Hi, wherever you all are). Her first crush was a nice looking boy called Colin. They all went to the same class and up to now, the little girl still reminisce her school friends and teacher with loving memories. Mr Williams, who was her teacher then, is now the headmaster of Goldbeaters JMI.

--Faerie Land Episodes, episode 13

I kicked ass again, and this time, it's big. The thing is, I dunno how I should feel about it. But I know one thing, I'm gonna enjoy feeling happy today. I'd like to claim it as my day ;)

During the past week, I've read several books, picked randomly from my bedside table. The funny thing is, these books have something in common: its theme. About arranged relationships, set up in such a way that from the outside it'll seem like the perfect thing, while all along it's only a mutual deal between two people. I felt funny all over when after finishing book after book, I got that fuzzy feeling as to why oh why am I reading three different books but with the same theme?! And it's all pure coincidence!

Now, this morning I got an email from a friend. Me and him, we've been chatting since morning on Y!M and I haven't had the time to read what was in his email. Just now, I downloaded the attachment that was apparently a short story and found myself dumbfounded after reading several paragraphs. Yes, the story bears the same theme as the three books that I mentioned above. Is this merely coincidental, or is the big guy giving me a sign? Beats me. But hell, I am getting shivers down my spine!

SMS. Save My Soul?

I wonder where I can get my hands on this man's work, also his son's. I tried all the CD stores in town, but haven't had any luck so far. And please don't suggest ordering from the 'net. I just don't do that. Help, anyone?

I finished the book I started reading yesterday. This one's next. Boy, I am so much into chicklits these days!

One of my friends, who has her own show on one of the hottest radio stations in town, has invited me to participate in her 4 hour gig later today. I haven't accepted the invitation yet, but who knows, I might just go crazy enough to go ahead with the idea ;)

Never say never. How true.

I've been lazy-bumming in my room all day today. With the kids over at Mum's since morning, I've been spending the day in bed with my current read, a jar of crisps, a glass of sweetened iced tea, accompanied by my cell and room phone, ringing and beeping from time to time. Ain't life grand sometimes? :)

Period, day one. Don't come to me with crap. That's if you don't want your head smashed into tiny little pieces.